By J. Gudy and Jeff Kamp.
1. Houston - Kenneth Lay, Former CEO, Enron Corporation - By his own accounts, Lay's stock has been rising, and Houston just can't resist taking one of their own.
2. New Orleans - Ray Nagin, Mayor, City of New Orleans - The Saints figure that if they tank the season again this year, Nagin can step right in and blame the Federal Government for all their problems.
3. Tennessee - Bill Clinton, Former President, United States of America – The Titans need someone to handle the PR problems they’ve been having since asking Steve McNair to not come to their practice facilities, and the public always seemed to believe whatever Clinton said making him the perfect PR guy for them.
4. NY Jets - Anakin Skywalker, Jedi Knight/Dark Lord of the Sith – The perfect QB for the Jets, because he can switch sides even faster the the New York media. Plus, when his arm fails, he replaces it with a mechanical one and moves on.
5. Green Bay - Maurice Clarett, Former RB, The Ohio State University - Needing a RB of the future and misunderstanding the statements about how pundits "can't believe how far he's fallen", GB jumps on the former Buckeye.
6. San Francisco - Victor Conte, Founder & President, BALCO - He seems to have helped Barry Bonds so much, and let's face it...the 49ers need some serious help.
7. Oakland - Charlize Theron, Actress - Because someone in the franchise has to look good in a jogging suit.
8. Buffalo - Julio Franco, 1B, New York Mets - The owner then makes further comments about the "youth movement" that he started with the hiring of Marv Levy for the front office.
9. Detroit - Cris Collinsworth, Commentator, NBC - Collinsworth can't decide whether he wants to return to the booth, or stay in the studio, so instead the Lions take him, mostly because they felt they needed to take another receiver in the 1st round.
10. Arizona - George Lucas, Writer & Director, Star Wars - Lucas is a great pick in this situation. Coach Dennis Green is famous for drafting offensive players, namely RBs, that are all flash and no substance.
11. St. Louis - Tom Landry, Former Head Coach, Dallas Cowboys - Coach Scott Linehan, who recieved his first NFL coordinator experience just four years ago, feels he needs all the help he can get. He leaps at the chance to take Landry after being informed that the Catholic Vince Lombardi is still in Purgatory.
12. Cleveland - Evel Knievel, Stuntman - Someone has to teach Kellen Winslow Jr. how to ride a motorcycle.
13. Baltimore - Matisyahu, Hasidic Jewish Reggae Rapper - Just because I wanted to say Hasidic Jewish Reggae Rapper.
14. Philadelphia - Mike Patrick, Joe Theismann, & Paul Maguire, Former Crew, ESPN Sunday Night Football - Desperately in need of some positive vibes from the press in Philly, the Eagles draft three guys who couldn't say a negative thing about Charles Manson.
15. Denver - Rush Limbaugh, Broadcaster, Conservative Talk Radio - Mile High Stadium becomes even harder for visiting teams to play at after Limbaugh takes much of what's left of the remaining oxygen.
16. Miami - Tommy Chong, Actor - Ricky Williams needs someone to keep him company during his one year suspension.
17. Minnesota - Gavin MacLeod, Captain Merrill Stubing, The Love Boat - Since Daunte and Moss are no longer wearing purple, the Vikings find themselves in need of someone to be the face of the franchise. MacLeod seems the logical, if incredibly obvious, choice.
18. Dallas - Carl Lewis, Track Star - Quote from Jerry Jones: "He has a lovely face; a beautiful face. I would love to have a face like that. Can we write into the contract that I get his face?"
19. San Diego - Peyton Manning's Unborn Child, Future QB - immediately traded to the Giants for their next 3 first-round picks.
20. Kansas City - Adam Morrison, SF, Gonzaga University - Dick Vermeil is no longer with the team, and the Chiefs decide the need someone else to cry at press conferences.
21. New England - Diet Coke Machine, Vending Machine, Coca Cola Companies - Last year's choice of the Diet Pepsi Machine didn't go so well, so they draft its arch rival, hoping the competition raises the level of both their games.
22. San Francisco - Jose Canseco, Retired MLB Player - Conte supplies the drugs, and Canseco administers them. The perfect tandem.
23. Tampa Bay - Darrin Burrows, Actor, Northern Exposure - With the Bucs continuing struggles performing in cold climates, the feel they get the steal of the draft in Burrows, who played a man with Eskimo origins on the beloved series.
24. Cincinnati - Samus Aran, Heroine, Metroid Video Game Series - Marvin Lewis is overheard after the pick, "Let's see how Pittsburgh likes someone rolling at their franchise QB..."
25. NY Giants - Pick traded to San Diego for the rights to the future Manning offspring.
26. Chicago - Ki-Jana Carter, RB, Cinncinati Bengles (among others) - This way, Cedric Benson won't be the most disappointing first-round running back on the team.
27. Carolina - J.J. Redick, SG, Duke - After watching Redick's shots go all over the place during March Madness, the Panthers figure he will be great at distributing the ball all over the place on the field, and draft their QB of the future.
28. Jacksonville - Reggie Bush, RB, USC - Since everyone else seems to be wasting their selections on all these stupid picks, Jacksonville goes for the no-brainer at this point in the draft.
29. NY Jets - C3-PO, Human-Cyborg relations - Drafted only as spare parts for their earlier first-round pick.
30. Indianapolis - Alex Rodriguez, 3B, New York Yankees - Dubbed "Mr. March" by some, the Colts figure that it's closer to any February success that Peyton Manning has had.
31. Seattle - Selfish 6 year-old, Spoiled Child - Immediately moves into the front office where he fits in very well with the other team executives. From his first press release: "Fine! You take my Hutchinson, I'm going to take your Burleson and go home!"
32. Pittsburgh - Mark Grudzielanek & Doug Mientkiewicz, Infielders, Kansas City Royals - The Steelers snatch up this pair to use as RBs to compliment a backfield already containing Ben Roethlisberger. Stock in companies who make the lettering to iron on jerseys immediately jumps 1000%.
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