An Alien Among Us...

This week's topic, "Sci-Fi/Fantasy in Media Other than Movies or Books" affords me the perfect opportunity to address a growing concern of mine. I believe that one of the evening news anchors at a major station here in the Twin Cities could be an alien. Is it far-fetched? Yes. Is it out of the realm of possibility? Probably. Does it make for an entertaining column? I hope so.

Hear me out, though. First of all, to protect you readers from an evil alien plot, I'll henceforth refer to this person as "Jim" so that you are not aware of their actual name or gender. With that out of the way, I am going to address the three tests I have to reveal whether or not a person could potentially be an alien.

1.) If I met "Jim" in a dark alley at night, I would be afraid for myself. This may not seem like such a big deal, but let me explain further. I'm a rather large person at 6'3", 235 lbs. I'm not a giant, but I'm bigger than most people. As a result, not very many people intimidate me. The people that do either know kung-fu (Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris), or are crazy (Jose Canseco, Ron Artest, Yanni, Al Roker). But Jim just freaks me out. I avoid contact with Jim at all times. He gives me the chills.

2.) I have never seen the lower half of Jim's body. This is what starts to separate Jim from the other people I'm scared of. I've seen all of their legs. With Jim, anything is possible. Three legs, 9 tentacles, respulsorlifts that allow him to hover, tree roots...you get the picture. Jim is always behind that infernal anchor desk. Unlike the other anchors in the Cities, I have never seen Jim do a TV spot or promo that would cause him to stand up. He's hiding something behind that desk, and I don't think we'll like what we see if it ever gets revealed.

3.) Jim doesn't have a MySpace page. Aside from me, and a few of my friends, every person in the world has a MySpace page. And I know my friends are not aliens because I am either not afraid of them, I have seen their legs, or both. What is Jim hiding that he can't put it on a MySpace page? My guess, as stated above, is some evil alien plot or conspiracy to take over the world through news of the Upper Midwest.

So, if you find yourself watching the news in Minneapolis late at night, and an eerie power starts to try to take hold of you, turn your eyes away from Jim, and change the channel, at all costs. You safety and mine depends on it. Besides, you can always rest assured that there's a re-run of Seinfeld on just around the corner.