By Gudy and Jeff Kamp
Last year, we started on this site by unveiling what is still one of our favorite pieces that we did, the Mockery of a Mock Draft. As you can see, we had a perfect record of selections. Since we enjoyed working on it so much, we decided to do another one this year. As such, we present to you our mock draft for 2007.
- Oakland - Capt. Jack Sparrow - Pirate - Used to managing a group of misfits and ne'er-do-wells, Sparrow is the perfect candidate to help "right the Raiders' ship." He also feeds Al Davis's ego by making him think that all of his moves are "savvy."
- Detroit - Gudy - Part-Time Blogger - The Lions wisely snatch up the only person in the country who has picked them to win the division two years in a row, and immediately appoint him director of public relations.
- Cleveland - Osama bin Laden - World's Most Wanted - Tired of the Bengals grabbing all of the headlines, the "other" Ohio team trumps all of the news stories coming out of Cincinnati.
- Tampa Bay - Todd Marinovich - QB, Historic Draft Bust - Tampa coach John Gruden was quoted as saying, "You can't have too many options at quarterback. Nope, nope!" with a slightly crazy look in his eye.
- Arizona - Onterrio Smith - RB - First year head coach Ken Whisenhunt selects Smith simply to avoid having the players refer to him as the "Whisenator."
- Washington - Tony Stewart - NASCAR driver - Gibbs needed someone to compliment Santana Moss who wouldn't get jammed at wide receiver, and he didn't think that anyone would dare get in Stewart's way. Then he was informed that Stewart would have to leave the car outside of the stadium.
- Minnesota - Dick Clark - Eternal Teenager - Not wanting Troy Williamson to feel lonely, they draft someone else who is adept at watching the ball drop.
- Houston - Pandemonium breaks out during the Texans pick as quarterback Matt Schaub bursts into the Houston "war room" while screaming at the top of his lungs, "For the love of all that is holy! Draft offensive line help! I'm begging you!" They select a little-known cornerback from a Division 3 school.
- Miami - Joe Namath - Pantyhose spokesman - This pick was done on the theory that, while both Namath and Culpepper have rapidly-degrading knees, at least one of them should be healthy at a time.
- Atlanta - Onterrio Smith - RB - To teach Michael Vick about being discrete at the airport. When they are then informed that Arizona already picked him at 5, Arthur Blank fires Jim Mora, Jr. again.
- San Francisco - Gaines Adams - DE - This team is on track, and building for the future. Plus...there haven't been any stories that we can make fun of them for.
- Buffalo - Jim Kelly - Retired QB - Marv Levy has forgotten what century it is.
- St. Louis - Albert Pujols, 1B - Hey, he brought a championship to the other St. Louis team (the Blues don't count)...It's crazy enough, it just might work!
- Carolina - Fred Taylor, RB, Jacksonville Jaguars - The worlds most fragile RB corps just got a little more fragile-er.
- Pittsburgh - a chiropractor - If Tomlin's defense has as much success in Pittsburgh as it had in Minnesota, the Steelers will need a way to recover from their heads snapping around to watch receivers get behind them for a reception.
- Green Bay - Cher - Music Icon - Wanting to get the glaring media attention off of Brett Favre, the Packers draft the one person who has comeback more times than #4.
- Jacksonville - A Sigh of Relief - Because Carolina just took Fred Taylor off their hands three picks ago.
- Cincinnati - Is it too obvious to say that they selected Johnnie Cochran?
- Tennessee - Tim - Enchanter, Monty Python & the Holy Grail - They are pulling out all of the stops to try to reverse the Madden Cover Curse this year now that Vince is the cover boy.
- New York Giants - Bryant Gumble - News Commentator and Football Play-by-Play voice (well, kinda) - The Giants are working off the theory that if Tiki can go from playing NFL running back to being on the Today Show, maybe a Today Show alum could play running back in the NFL.
- Denver - Jared Fogle - Subway Mascot - ...because Mike Shanahan believes that anyone can play RB for the Broncos.
- Dallas - Jerry Jones - Owner, Dallas Cowboys - He's so in love with himself that he just couldn't resist.
- Kansas City - Valium - Happy Drug - They're going to need it after the losses to their offensive line the past couple off seasons.
- New England (from Seattle) - New England loses this pick when they don't get the card turned in for 15 consecutive clock expirations as they try to trade the pick back to Seattle for Deion Branch. While having Belicheck and Brady hold up the "All is forgiven, please come home" signs helps, they finally have to settle for trading for Nate Burleson instead.
- New York Jets - Gilbert Gottfried - Actor - The Jets believe they've discovered a fool-proof formula for selecting good offensive linemen based on name alone after the success of Nick Mangold and D'Brickashaw Ferguson. "If a Ferguson and a Mangold were that good, think how great a Gottfried will be," said Jets head coach Eric Mangini.
- Philadelphia - Donovan McNabb's Mom - Campbell's Soup Commercials - From what I've seen, she's been consistently more healthy than her son for the past few seasons.
- New Orleans - A Dose of Reality - Seemed appropriate after the miracle they pulled off last season.
- New England - Inanimate Carbon Rod - Simpson's episode - Apparantly, Bill Belichek can make anything work in his system.
- Baltimore - Mario Manningham - Someone has been channeling their inner Red Auerbach. Bonus points if you get the reference.
- San Diego - Insert obvious 'roid joke here.
- Chicago - Stuart Smalley - SNL self-help guru - drafted to help Rex Grossman repeat, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!"
- Indianapolis - Chim Chim - Monkey, Speed Racer Sidekick - Obvious need pick since they lost a monkey during the Super Bowl.
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