Fantasy Football Firsts

Well, gentle reader, I return to regale you with the finest insights my vast intellect is capable of producing. Today, you will discover the wonders to be experienced by the neophyte in that great American pasttime of "Fantasy Football." (Make sure you read the previous two words in a booming, echoing voice; only then will you experience the full wonder of this moment.) Let us begin, shall we?

My experience with fantasy football prior to this year is, well, nonexistant. In other words, this is the first year that I've ever had any inclination to actually partake of this delectable dish. Well, after years of never doing...well, much of anything of any sort, this year I was asked to join two (count them: two) fantasy football leagues in the space of about three hours. "Finally," I thought to myself, "people are beginning to recognize that I am the greatest man alive." Needless to say, I decided to join, if only to bestow the blessing of my participation upon the others in the leagues.

Having made this great decision, I needed to begin the so-called "pre-draft process." Since I knew exactly what I was doing, I needed neither to research anything nor to accept advice from those who have done this in the past. Of course, by this I mean that I was completely lost, having not the slightest clue where to even begin, much less what to do. (Football? What's a football? Is that where people cut off their own feet and replace them with balls? Sounds kind of stupid to me...) So, I began at the place to which I was directed--namely, setting up an account on Yahoo so I could actually join the leagues.

Next came the most difficult task of selecting names for my teams. What name should I use to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies? Gophers? I mean, everyone is scared of little furry rodents with big buck teeth that are frequently shot by annoyed ranchers, right? Much more so than some ridiculous name like "Wolverines" or "Fighting Sioux" or "Vikings" (not that the Vikings have been anything to fear lately). "Gophers" or "Wild" is much more appropriate. So, after much consideration and finally coming to the realization that I am a being to be feared myself, I chose those classic figures of myth and terror "Wendigo" and "Chuthulu." If you really don't know what they are, I would suggest looking into some Native American mythology and reading a little H.P. Lovecraft. Or you could do it the lazy man's way (my way) and just look it up on Wikipedia. Of course, with my penchant for the macabre, in this instance I've actually read the materials in question...

Probably the easiest (by which I mean most difficult) part of the whole process was actually figuring out whom to place on my teams. I found that Yahoo allows you to export picks to all your Yahoo leagues. Being the lazy bum that I am, I of course took immediate advantage of this little tool, despite the fact that the two leagues are completely different in their scoring structures (which brings me to something else I didn't know about fantasy football--each league can almost limitlessly customize its structure, from the number of players and positions allowed to how the scoring occurs; one of my leagues is quite complicated [at least from my perspective], while the other is extremely streamlined). I mean, if picks are good in one system, they're good in all systems, right? Of course they are. Well, anyway, I actually did research to see whom I should consider picking--even to the point of figuring substatial depth for each position (from my perspective at the time--more on that later). Thirty-five pre-ranked players was enough to effectively fill 16 slots, I thought. Wrong. (Think Ray Stevens' "Haircut Song" for the appropriate voice here.) Of course, it didn't help that I wasn't able to be present at the live draft (although I got in on the last pick--hardly enough to even count). Yahoo automatically picked my players, drawing first from my pre-ranked selections and then from their own rankings. If I have taken nothing else away from this experience, it is that presence at the live draft is critical if you're going to have any chance of getting a really decent team. My team in the league that has already drafted is projected to fall somewhere near the bottom of the league...o.k., o.k. At the bottom. I think as things stand right now there is one team that I might have a chance to beat...assuming my injury prone key players can stay healthy...

Well, time will tell how the season goes. Regardless, it's been a hoot. I'm positive my sex-appeal will guarantee an invite again next year. Or maybe it'll be the fact that I field teams that a bunch of geriatric hobblers could crush. Either way, this'll be an experience.

As a side note, for those who care, the draft resulted in the following team (given in no particular order):

1) QB - Peyton Manning (Ind)

2) WR - Marvin Harrison (Ind)

3) WR - Santana Moss (Was)

4) WR - Nate Burleson (Sea)

5) RB - Laurence Maroney (NE)

6) RB - DeShaun Foster (Car)

7) TE - Jermaine Wiggins (Min)

8) BN/RB - Tatum Bell (Den)

9) BN/QB - Steve McNair (Bal)

10) BN/WR - Keyshawn Johnson (Car)

11) BN/WR - Marcus Robinson (Min)

12) BN/RB - Jamal Lewis (Bal)

13) BN/TE - Ben Troupe (Ten)

14) K - Josh Brown (Sea)

15) BN/K - Jason Elam (Den)

16) DEF - Indianapolis (Ind..Oh, wait. You might already know that.)

Immediately following the draft, I made the following changes...once again displaying the wonders of my intellectual prowess, as these moves were made at the recommendation of a couple of my...friends (read "mortal enemies" or "opponents," as you prefer):

1) Tatum Bell was dumped in favor of Frank Gore (BN/RB, SF)

2) Laurence Maroney was dumped in favor of Mike Bell (RB, Den)

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle...or knowledge is power...or any cliché you choose to insert here.