Drama Do and Drama Don't

At the time of this writing, my lovely wife and I just finished watching the second episode of Heroes. My opinion of the show is still a bit up in the air. Either I'm going to love it because it's taken the concept of ordinary people gaining extraordinary powers from the pages of the comic book and brought it into the realm of the serialized television show, or I'm going to hate it because they've presented it in such a way as to make it unacceptable to my wife and therefore I won't be able to watch it either. Such is life. However, that's not the reason for this article. One thing I realized as we were watching the show is that I seem to know a lot more about what to do in certain situations than any character I've ever seen in a dramatic TV show. I find myself talking to the TV screen telling the character exactly what they should and should not do. I'm always right, but they never listen. Therefore, I'm going to do every dramatic television show and movie character a huge favor and provide them with a small set of do's and don'ts as it applies to their "everyday" life.

• Do carry an extra set of clothes. Most likely, you're going to be kidnapped or have to hide in a sewer or something along those lines and you'll want to have a dry/clean set in the near future. Trust me on this. This also reminds me that you might be gone for a while, so be sure to feed the cat/dog/fish/younger sibling.
  
• Don't have loud, bright or sparkly clothing as either your primary or secondary set of clothing. As stated above, you'll most likely have to be hiding at some point. This means that you won't want people to see you. Sparkles might look fantastic when you're out with your friends in the sunshine, but they're a severe fashion faux pas when you're huddling in the closet.
• Do have a fully-charged cell phone with you at all times. You'll need to call someone at a climatic moment and you'll want to make sure that your phone has enough juice to make that call. The phone would preferably be one that people can home in on through some form of GPS system. Unless the people who are after you are the government or some form of shadow agency. In that case, this becomes a don't.
• Don't pick up a gun that you've found lying on the ground. Especially if it's right next to a fresh pool of blood. Picking up the gun means that within seconds, law-enforcement officials will come crashing through the door and see you with a gun next to or near a dead body. This is never a good thing. You do, however, have the defense to fall back on of being able to test and see if you've fired a gun recently (leaves some powder on your hand). That won't work if a buddy asked you to go skeet shooting with him earlier in the day. This, by the way, is also a tell-tale sign that your friend is the one that did it.
• Do stay with the group. Granted, this is mainly a piece of advice for a character in a horror/slasher flick, but it works here too. If you're always with the group, then you always have an alibi for your whereabouts.
• Don't make a video about your emerging powers, cool treasure find or scientific discovery. That's just asking for the tape to fall into the wrong hands and you'll find yourself in a world of trouble.
• Do ask for a lawyer. You're going to say something stupid. It always happens. Just ask for a lawyer right away because they know when not to say something. Which is most of the time, really.
• Don't pretend to be someone that you're really not. They're going to ask you for the password/fingerprint/secret blend of herbs and spices and you're not going to know. It might get you out of hot water for a few minutes, but in the long run, you'll just make everything that much more painful for you.
• Do check the safety on the gun before making your presence known to the bad guy. This is especially true if you're a novice with the gun. They're going to say that the safety's on and you're going to look and they'll dodge behind a loved one unless you make sure to check it first. Don't say I didn't warn you.
• Don't believe that they're not going to hurt you. That's pretty much guaranteeing that they are going to hurt you. It's like the Opposite Zone in Calvin Ball for these people.

So, there you have it - my list of do's and don'ts if you happen to find yourself as a character in some form of dramatic media. I can't say that it's a complete list or, for that matter, an accurate list, but it's the list that I pulled out of my butt. Hope you enjoyed it. The list, not my butt.